ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
