After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
