p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
