My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
