i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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