I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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