i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
