So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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