So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Randomize
