And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
How does one acquire holy water?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
