Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
