I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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