you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
