i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
