How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
