i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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