Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
