he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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