Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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