Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
