Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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