she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
