your parents love me but you hate me
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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