so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
