i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
