If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
