A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
