Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
