Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
