So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
