my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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