I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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