what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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