i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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