I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
