I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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