Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
