Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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