Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
