dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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