I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
