Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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