We won't sleep together?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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