make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
