nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
