nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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