____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
