Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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