so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I touched a dick in church today
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
