Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
